Thursday, August 27, 2009

ANTICIPATING…….(more like bracing myself up)

I have noticed that nowadays Abang talks to Abah more than to me. Gone are the days when he asked me just about anything…which used to irk me sometimes, especially when he asked medically-related questions which clearly could be better  answered by Abah. I never thought that I would miss it now that its gone……Silly me, now I feel a tinge of envy whenever I saw him having a low-tone conversation with Abah. He looks so grown-up, speaking in that manner…..
He used to come home from school and regaled me with the words of praise from teachers. Always a model student ( in akhlaq matters, not academic!! he got 5As in UPSR trial though), he was once crowned ‘Pelajar Mithali”. But, he is reluctant to indulge in that kind of talk anymore, though, from Adik, I could still hear the good words on Abang in school, and amongst his many admirers!!
Up to now, the 6th Ramadhan, he is still maintaining the 20 rakaats of taraweeh plus 3 of witr at the masjid ( and wait for the ‘moreh’). Abah would come home right after taraweeh as he prefers to do witr on his own and to partake dinner as he has been having iftaar of dates and drink at masjid and would only have dinner after taraweeh to avoid sleepiness. While we are eating and chatting, we could hear him coming home, closing the gate, opening the door with his own keys, gives salaam and lock up the door, checking the bolts and all. Abah and me would smile to each other. I, for one, cannot help having this swell of pride inside me. You are so brave, matured and responsible……. 

From the deepest of my heart, I thank ALLAH for giving you to us… came to us after 10 years of waiting, hoping and praying. Indeed, Allah answers the prayers ( in HIS most mysterious ways) after we have reached the stage that we were certain that nothing could make it happen except when HE ordain it to happen. We have resigned to the fact that we might never have children, and strangely, were feeling okay with it. But, you came and Subhanallah, you were everything that I always dream in a baby!! 

Growing up, you have fulfilled many of our dreams. When you were just a toddler, Abah would say, “lambatnya Habri besar, nak bawak naik motor pegi masjid”. It soon happened…and when we moved to our own house, the mosque is nearer, so Abah and Abang would either cycle or walk together to the masjid. In manners too, you are what we always hope in a child. Our many relatives will testify to it!! Getting bigger and taller, you take over many of our tasks at home, making life much easier, more so as you would do it willingly on your own accord. Almost everything that we hope you would do, Allah has given you the taufeeq to do it…..

And now, is the biggest dream of Abah….and you are about to embark on the journey to fulfilling it. MasyaAllah, though we never impose it on you, you have finally decided by yourself to embrace it fully and happily. The nightly readings on the virtues of ilm and Qur’an( among others) has once again proved to be fruitful.

This melancholic writing actually came out of this……

I have been feeling sad and have been crying from time to time. Sometimes alone and sometimes with Adik or Abah when they care to layan an emotional me…huhuhu…
My beloved boy will be gone from home a few days after Raya!!!
The madrasah he is going to attend will start on the 10th of Syawwal. I am now imagining life without him….no more tens of daily kisses from him. He kisses me before and after every solat. Going to the mosque, kiss-kiss, coming back, kiss-kiss and hug, going to school, going to bed and going anywhere, must kiss Mama first…No more massaging, no more extra hand in household chores, minus one taalem reader at night, no man in the house when Abah goes out-station, the list is endless……

I A.M S.O G.O.I.N.G T.O M.I.S.S H.I.M !!!!

O Allah, in this month of barakaat, I ask Thee for the strength to face the separation…and please accept our beloved son, the apple of our eyes, to become the hafeez of Your Holy Book, the ‘alim that will benefit many and the da’ie that follows the path of the holy companions r.a….

As Anne (with an ‘e’) from The Green Gables would say…..
“Abang, your coming to our life has made our cup of happiness to be full, and Adik, when she arrived two years later, has c
aused it to overflow……”
(must mention Adik too,nanti ada yg merajuk)

Alhamdulillah….(feeling a bit relieved after writing this….)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


….is something that I am guilty of. Sucked into the black hole of endless improvement along with many other parents all over the world, some being worse than the others. 

BUT, from today onwards, I solemnly promise to you, Abang and Adik, to correct myself . I dont want to fall into the trap where each accomplishment is eclipsed by another apportunity, thus subjecting the child into never-ending pressure. I checked, and Alhamdulillah, I havent been that bad, but am surely going that way if I didnt wake myself up now. And thanks to Abah too who has always been the level-headed one, making sure all along that you two grow up to be a fine, balanced kids. Left to me alone, I’m quite sure you two will become a bit like robots…hehe.

I have known for sure now that I cant control and shape my childrens’ lives, tried as I might. It all had been pre-ordained, written in Lauhul Mahfuz, maktub. 

‘Abdullah ibne-‘Umar Radhiallahu’anhuma narrated that Rasulullah Sallalahualaihiwasallam said: Everything is destined, even mental weakness and intelligence. ( Muslim)

Over-managing and over scheduling you stems from the belief that I, as a parent, should do all those things in the names of giving you, my children, the best chance to succeed in life. How stupid I have been!! I even thought that I could produce a super-achiever!! hahaha… Please forgive me if all those hyper-parenting treatment you have been receiving all this while have subjected you two to enormous amount of stress…. ( and to think that how Abah is always trying to do opposite of what I was doing and how I always got angry with him for doing exactly that….well, u know the scenario!) I will make amends, promise!!

From now on, we will have quality time together where I wont have this nagging feeling to fill you up with infos and infos….. I will have no goal in mind beyond the pleasure of spending time together. We dont have to have a clever conversation every time. I dont have to correct your manner of speaking, point out the grammar error,point out better choice of words, the intonation etc etc….Urgh, did I really do that? Unfortunately yes….(shudder!!)

If I ever find that at the end of the day, I feel exhausted, angry and stressed up because of what I have been doing with you all day, I know that I am hyper-parenting again…..And I promise to avoid it like a plague!!!